Tuesday 25 December 2018

Olive Branch

T.K. McNeil

It's done. Like Emperor Palpatine another war has been ended in one fell swoop. War On Christmas in one fell swoop. Forget the "Happy Holidays" and secular "Christmas Songs" (get out of here Irving Berlin, you talentless hack!). Christmas is Christmas once more and all ye faithful are once again able to celebrate unabashed. Still though, one mustn't to be too arrogant in victory. So as a gesture of good-will to all men (and women), I have dedicated this weeks guide to ways those of the occult and pagan faiths can avoid being persecuted during this season of giving. 

1.Wear earbuds while performing incantations and pretend your are singing along.

2. Birthday candles work just as well for rituals as full sized ones.

3. Grimories can easily be disguised as poetry book manuscripts.

4. Kitchen spices and extracts still work for potions and require less mixing.

5. Make your smartphone into your wand.

6. Mix up the black in your wardrobe with other colours, like red blue and lavender.

7. Trees, birds and cats count as magic symbols.

8. Put a rubber end on your staff of power and say it is a walking stick.

9. Keep magic books and other related materials on encrypted PDFs.

10. Cooking counts as a form of conjuring.

11. “Cute” names like Goofball and Mr. Muffins make Familiars sound like pets.

12. An oversized black hoodie can work as a cloak.

13. Marijuana and incense can have very similar smells.

14. If asked about your pentacle say you are a Communist.

Tuesday 18 December 2018

A Tourists Guide To Quebec 

Amy Wright




Everyone needs to make a living. Some how the currency needs to come in so it can go back out and keep the system running. Fittingly the food industry is one of the most successful. Another surefire way folk have found to made make some much needed cash is to make the place they live seem like the most interesting place in the world to get people to go there and see it. It doesn't even matter if the locale in question is particularly notable or even safe. Just look at the massive success of the Australia and New York in terms of getting bums on planes. Though to be fair, the Belfast Tourism Board has had a pretty rough go of it up until recently.


One place that has made fleecing foreigners into a near art form is the Canadian Province of Quebec. The largest of the Canadian provinces with the largest population, it is also the only place in North America where the official language is French. Even going so far as to adopt the Civil Law system of law as opposed to the Common Law type used in Britain and all other civilized corners of the world. A built-in selling point in terms of the “come-see-our-stuff” business of tourism despite the majority of the majority Caucasian, Catholic French speakers having at best a veiled hostility toward anyone who is not at least two of those things. Not all of course (that would be statistically impossible) but most. Not that this has discouraged many people from going there. In light of this (truly baffling) fact, here is a friendly guide for visitors to “La Belle Province”.


Road Safety

One of the first things you will likely notice, particularly if your first port of call is Montreal, is the roads. Referred to as “Autoroutes” these stretches of asphalt are a great example of infrastructure done right. They run straight through town with several exits going to major streets none of which are forced exits and the lanes are very well separated with cement walls between them giving the whole thing the general feeling of a race track. Considering that the posted limits on this, and all other roads in Quebec are taken more as polite suggestions than actually rules this likely is not a coincidence.


Blessing or Curse?
Unlike many other places on earth, the truly unique and distinct folk of Quebec have a system on cursing based on religion rather than more prurient interests. One of the most popular and commonly used words is “tabernac”. Derived from “tabernacle”, this is roughly equivalent to the F-word in English.

Customer Service
As the more perceptive among you will have likely already sussed out, it can be somewhat of a challenge for non-French speakers to perform business interactions. Though it is by no means impossible a good bit of broken French and pantomime may be required. It is not always true but a general guideline is that younger people, particularly in urban centres, are more likely to be able to speak English than older people or those who live in the rural areas.


It's A Nation You Know
When in Quebec it is generally a good idea not to make any sort of reference to “Canada” or being “Canadian.” At least if you value your safety. For, you see, many of the citizens, roughly 62%, operate under the impression Quebec is a not a province but a nation in and of itself. A delusion the Canadian government decided to indulge by officially granting the Quebecois people the status of a “nation within a united Canada” in 2006.



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